The Process of Overcoming Jealousy

A friend and I were standing outside our church telling each other stories about growing up. It was a quick conversation, but I remember it ended with her telling me that her dad was a children’s pastor. Before I could stop myself I remember saying something like, “Yeah, it feels like everyone here is a pastor’s kid. My dad is an agnostic and quit the church.” My friend understandably didn’t really know how to respond to that, and the conversation ended soon after.

That moment sticks in my mind because I remember how much pain was underlying my comment. I felt like I was surrounded by people with perfect upbringings. Their parents were still married and were leaders in the church. Their homes weren’t broken like mine. They hadn’t made mistakes like I had because they had a good community supporting them.

Honestly, it still hurts while typing this. Thoughts swirl around in my head telling me, “You wouldn’t be as messed up as you are if you had their lives. You would be a better Christian if you grew up in a big house or if your dad was a pastor. You wouldn’t suffer from depression if you were like them.”

And before you start thinking, “Kaity, their lives probably weren’t perfect either. No one has the perfect life or the perfect upbringing.” Believe me, I logically know that. I logically know that, although different from many others, my life was really great. I grew up with privilege others didn’t enjoy, and I grew up with a family who loves me. That doesn’t mean, though, that sometimes my mind lies to me, and that there are deep longings in my heart that are still healing.

My History with Jealousy

Growing up, I knew I was different than other kids, but for the most part, we all had unique enough upbringings where it all felt normal. Like, each friend had a different house, a different religion, and a different family situation. Some went on vacations to the Caribbean while others went to the Outer Banks. Some of my friends were Jewish, and others were Catholic, and then others were Protestant. I remember liking things that they had that I didn’t, but we all shared. It was a treat to go to others’ houses and see what their lives were like,

In high school, my life really turned upside down. My parents had been separated, but then they went through a horrible divorce. I had experienced four moves in four years, and my first boyfriend had a suicide scare. All of a sudden, we had less money than we ever did, and it felt like every other month there was something wrong financially.

When I went to college, I was not in a great place. My boyfriend of over a year and I were on rocky ground, making me an emotional mess, and the country was in the middle of the Great Recession. I didn’t know if we were going to be able to afford to pay off the rest of freshman year. Half of my year was paid for by scholarships, and then some of it was paid off by loans, and then the rest we were figuring out. It was incredibly stressful, and looking back, I’m amazed that I made it through.

So, let’s stir that all up, and then throw in the fact that I was in what many in North Carolina to be the “rich kids’ school.” All of a sudden I was with people whose families had both a home they lived in AND a vacation property. They went on regular vacations to Europe. Their school was paid for by college funds their parents had set up ages ago. I was in over my head, and I didn’t even realize it.

My first year I just remember how different I felt. I was wearing jeans and old t-shirts to class, and my classmates were wearing loud prints and pearls. My car was a 1998 Ford Escort, and other students were driving brand new BMWs.

I found myself living in a weird tension of not liking the lifestyles I was seeing, but also not being able to stop myself from longing for them. I so badly wanted to to have the perfect hair and the perfect body so I could be a perfectly put together sorority girl with the fraternity boyfriend. I wanted to “take out the boat” on weekends and look good in a Lilly Pulitzer dress. I mean, I just wanted to afford a Lilly Pulitzer dress.

Being on the Outside

My freshman year I started attending a Christian organization on campus. On the one hand, it was great to be worshiping with other college students. It’s where I met some of my closest friends, and I learned a whole lot about leadership during my four years there. It was also there, however, that I learned that I was very much a different Christian than my peers. Or, at least, I had a different idea of what the Church should be.

In a place that should have felt like home, I felt so much more different and on the outside than I ever could have expected. I could just never fit in, and I hated it. Praise God He gave me my best friend, and we started out own small group together. That became our own little corner of that organization, and it was beautiful.

My experience of the overall organization, though, was not great. I’ll never forget the time I wasn’t allowed to sit on their executive leadership board my senior year. I was accepted to be the Small Groups Director, which had a seat on the board, but the people already on the board were all incredibly close to one another. They’d all been friends since freshman year, and I was the outsider - this weird girl from New Jersey who was really good at what she did but was really odd and different from everyone else. Their friend, though, was in my Small Group Committee, and they told me that they needed to have another man on the board, and the was going to sit in my place, but he could communicate back and forth between us.

Now when I think about it, I am so angry, but then, I was so hurt. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t they want to be my friend? Why couldn’t I be like them?

I learned a lot that year about leadership, and I was a good Small Groups Director, but I will never forget the hurt I felt of being left out of a position just because I didn’t fit into someone else’s ideal.

After college I found a local church I fell in love with. It was slow going at first, but I found a community I could hang out with. I was so excited to have a group of friends that consisted of both men and women. A year or two in, though, the group started dividing into couples and singles, and it was weird. There weren’t many single men in the church, and the ones that were there I remember, for the most part, not wanting to date.

When our friend group, though, started to divide itself, I was really hurt. The couples would go out and do their own thing together, and then the singles would be automatically grouped together. I was so frustrated because (1) I wanted to hang out with my friends and (2) I felt like I was a second class citizen because I wasn’t in a couple. This feeling turned into shame that I couldn’t find a good Christian man to date. I was living in the south where people tend to get married earlier, and I was beginning to feel like an old maid at 25. Why wasn’t I good enough for someone to want to marry? Was I not a good enough Christian? Was my relationship with God not strong enough? Was I not sweet enough? Was I too loud or too abrasive for a southern Christian man?

Coming to Terms with my Jealousy

In 2015 I moved from North Carolina to the Washington, DC area. I felt a calling to be there, and I was working for the church of my dreams, but I was in a not great place emotionally or spiritually.

It felt like everyone I knew at church was either married or a woman. had no friends, and it was hard to make friends because I couldn’t find the right small group to go to. That’s a whole other story for another time, but believe me, I tried.

Once again, I felt like a second class citizen because of my singleness, and I felt like my singleness was caused by all my flaws. My insecurities from college and my previous church came flooding back, and I just felt like I wasn’t enough.

I was so focused on what others had and their lives. I was so focused on how I was messed up and how I wasn’t “good enough” to be married. The church does a weird thing where it touts marriage as a prize to be won, but when a single person says they want to be married, then the married Christians chastise them and tell them how hard marriage is and that you should just work on your relationship with God when you’re single.

Let me tell you - I was jealous of every single married person I met. I thought, “Wow, they must have better relationships with Christ than I do. The Lord blessed them with a marriage, and I’m over here still working on myself. I must be really messed up because God has to work on me a lot before I get to be married.”

As I continued to attend and work for that church, I met some amazing people and leaders, and I wanted to be like them. I couldn’t help, though, be jealous of their upbringing and their present state. It was like all of my issues had come together into one mashed up jealous thought:

I didn’t have a “traditional” home, and therefore didn’t have a “traditional” Christian upbringing. Because of that, I was an incredibly messed up and broken human being who didn’t deserve a husband.

Goodness, just reading that makes me want to go back to 27 year old Kaity and give her a big hug.

And now we circle back to that conversation with my friend outside of church. When the words “it feels like everyone here is a pastor’s kid” popped out of my mouth, it was like a light bulb went off. I knew I had a jealousy problem. I had been so focused on others and how I was different from them that I didn’t really stop and thank God for all He had given me.

I started to become more aware of my words and how I was talking to myself. Do you know how many times I’ve told myself how much I hated who I was? How many times I wished I could be like someone else?

Thinking about what I’ve said to myself, I now look at it as (1) insulting God’s creation and (2) incredibly detrimental to any growth I had hoped to achieve.

Since that conversation, I’ve slowly been taking steps to overcome my jealousy. They’re not perfect, and I’m not a completely non-jealous person, but they’ve helped me become more aware of who I am and appreciate who I’m becoming.

Celebrate God’s Gifts in Others

To me, the first step in not being jealous of someone to celebrate that person. Jealous that they have a husband and you don’t? Celebrate and support their marriage. Jealous they have a cooler-sounding job than you? Pray for their success and praise God that He’s doing good things in their life.

When I celebrate others, it helps me put their life into a new perspective. Instead of seeing them as inherently better than me, I think of them as being blessed. And when I think of the blessings God has given them, I am encouraged that He can bless me as well.

Accept Who I Am

I’m not what you call a “Pinterest board Christian.” I don’t have aesthetic devotional times with a coffee. I actually don’t drink coffee, which is also odd to practically every church ever. I can seem “aggressive” and “overbearing,” and I have a different upbringing than many of my Christian friends.

I’ve begun to face the facts, though, and accept that this is who I am.

Celebrate Who I Am

When I accept who I am, I then get to celebrate who I am. It’s only been in the last few months that I’ve been writing in my journal what gifts God has given me. I am strong, resilient, and passionate. I am a gifted writer, and I’m a good leader. I have gifts I can use for God’s kingdom, and for the first time, I want to do what I’ve been created to do. I don’t want to live someone else’s life because that would take away all the good things God has in store.

Redemption, Healing, and Love

As I write this, I can’t help but think, “God is so good.” We talk a lot about the redemptive power of Christ, but I’m beginning to realize that I am a living, breathing story of redemption. God took this angry, hurt, bitter girl and turned her into an empathetic, loving, and kind woman. I wouldn’t be who I am without my experiences, and I pray that my story helps at least one person see that God has something awesome for them too. If God can take someone like me and heal her soul, then He can do that with anyone.

Healing takes time, but don’t give up. The Lord is with you, and He loves you like crazy. Stay the course, and the Lord will do amazing things.